| Happiness is a warm gun. |
[23 Jul 2007|10:48pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Bealtes- ...duh. |
] |
My best friend in the whole world, KYLE!, called me today.
Strange thing, really.
Prior to last week, I haven't talked to him in months.
I used to talk to him every single day.
He used to call me at least 3 times a day. No joke.
He makes me happy. I love him to death.
He told me that one of his dreams came true.
He had a threesome last weekend. Hahaha.
I thought that was the most hilarious and most amazing thing ever.
"With two hick chicks. I preferred Japanese twins, but whatever. Hick chicks are cool too."
I thought he was joking, but apparently not.
What a stud.
I completely love how a cute white boy can have a threesome and a fat asian can't even have a twosome. What the hell is a twosome? I don't know. More than one, less than three.
|
|
| I thinkg I'm right. |
[08 Oct 2006|09:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nonchalant. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
If Bears Were Bees <3 |
] |
Sometimes I think it's more worth it to give up than to fight for something that was never there.
|
|
| Girls Don't Like Boys, Girls Like Cars And Money. |
[18 Sep 2006|01:19pm] |
Good Charlotte knows how it goes.
Last night I was talking to my very good friend Chris.
I was baffled because his friend was asking me about this girl I know, interested in her. Like wanting to date her. Anyway. I told him he was only thinking with his penis. This girl is very nice and cute, don't get me wrong, but still. She's 21. She doesn't have a job. She doesn't go to school. She doesn't even know how to drive. And basically, she doesn't do anything all day. She smokes, she drinks.
And even though it wasn't Chris saying he liked her, he was still sticking up for his friend, like there's good reason to like her. Besides her smoking, because that's icky. But anyway. I was outraged. So I told Chris that boys only thought with their penises. And he told me that girls only thought about success. That bugged me even more.
But the longer I thought about what he said, it seemed more true to me.
I mean, why would I even care about whether or not she had a future?
And why was I trained to think that I should only look for people that are successful?
Success doesn't make ME any happier.
It might make my aunt and my sister happy, or at least that's what they show the world, but they're not really even happy.
They conditioned me to think that successful people are the only type of people you should be with.
And I mean, why?
Why do I care?
Why does it even matter?
If I like someone, I like them.
They don't have to be making 200 bucks an hour and own a house and a Beemer. I mean yeah, that would be nice, but those are definitely not requirements to get into my heart. Maybe those are the requirements to get into theirs.
Either way, it's really dumb, and I can't believe I judged people by their success.
I personally think it's important to have goals and ambitions, but that doesn't mean that everyone NEEDS to feel the same way.
That's so stupid of me.
Pretty much all of my friends are bums, and I like them just the way they are.
As long as they're happy, I'm happy.
And why would we even need to worry about that?
Ugh.
There's too much thinking involved.
You don't want to spend your future with someone that's lazy and a bum, but money and success aren't all that matter anyway.
Whatever.
I'm at work and I can't think straight.
I only got a few hours of sleep.
MEH!
|
|
| with days like these |
[16 Apr 2006|09:29am] |
i wish i could just quit life
i feel so discouraged
about everything
work
family
friends
boys
nothing seems to work for me
i don't get it.
yesterday i had the most amazing day possible
i made 2 sales out of the 2 appointments i made
my family was being really nice & supportive
my friends were acting like they were actually my friends, which hasn't happened in a long time
& the cutest boy in the world told me he wanted to date me
today.
it's only 930
& it's already the crappiest day ever.
someone decided that they want a return on the sale i made yesterday... how's that gonna sound to my boss?
my family is too busy to even do the appointments they said they would. we have the filipino store, & i guess they have a bunch of orders to do... but honestly. is it really that hard to sit on your ass & watch me do my presentation for half an hour?
my friends are more interested that i got them recommended for the job that i have, that they basically don't want me to demo their parents anymore because they think they'll get the job, & they want to do it. which makes no sense to me because we'll both get paid & we'll both get to demo their parents, & i put in the good word for them about the job, which i apparently shouldn't have done because sometimes being what you think is thoughtful & caring kicks you right back in the fucking ass.
& the cutest boy in the world last night was texting me. & asking me if i got home okay, & how my day went, & he asked if he could call me when he got home from seattle. & then a little bit later. he texted me. & asked me if i'd be pissed off if he slept with someone else.
how how how.
apparently i'm void of all feeling.
so please.
please
please
please
hurt me.
|
|
| i am a balla. |
[04 Apr 2006|10:51am] |
i just got a new job yesterday
where i'll be getting paid 15 bucks an hour
plus commission
that's basically double my pay at mcdonalds
which is double the dough
i get all the breaks in life.
i am the luckiest person ever.
i don't even know how i got the job.
i'm not outgoing.
& some lady from the company messaged me on myspace about it.
what are the odds?
|
|
|
[07 Mar 2006|02:52am] |
maybe i don't like life as much as i like to tell myself i do
i don't know what's wrong with me
i can't keep friends
everyone gets tired of me
& forgets about me
i lose my novelty.
it's sick.
no one likes me anymore
i don't think i even like myself
|
|
|
[19 Feb 2006|01:59pm] |
I've always said I don't have any friends,
& these past few weeks really prove it.
I'd like to say i'm really disappointed in my friends.
But I don't think I really am.
I've always depended on never depending on anyone.
So maybe this is all my fault.
I expect too much.
When my mom dies, when I have to move out of my house right away, when I don't have any money to do anything with.
I just wanted someone to talk to.
Someone who'd tell me it'd be alright, & everything would work out fine.
But I've been having to say it to myself, & it's so hard to believe.
I must be the worst friend in the world, because that's how I'm being treated.
I'm sorry.
|
|
| everything i hide ends up in lyrics |
[05 Feb 2006|03:24pm] |
So my mom's been in the hospital/hospice for a week & a day now.
She hasn't eaten or drank anything for 3 days.
She can't talk anymore.
She doesn't respond.
I don't think she can even see out of her last good eye.
I feel so bad, but I don't know what to do.
There's nothing that I can really do either.
I want to get her to a hospital so that she can be hydrated, but I don't know if that will even help.
I'm pretty sure she's almost braindead now if not already.
& I don't think it's right for her to live that way.
So I want her to not suffer & just go peacefully, but at the same time I'm not ready to give her up or give up on her yet.
& neither is she.
She's still trying to be really strong & fighting death as best as she can.
She's been having seizures constantly, & it's pretty scary.
She coughs all the time if she can't breathe, or if her saliva or anything gets in her throat & she can't swallow.
& that makes me super sad because she can't cry.
& she just stares at me with her eye.
& she starts making those noises puppies make when they're sad.
& her nose starts to quiver.
& she looks so freaken tired.
& then I start to cry.
Ugh.
I just don't know what to do.
I wish she'd just give up on her, I wish I'd just give up on her.
But I can't.
I don't like seeing her like this, but I know she's still waiting for that miracle to happen.
I've told her so many times that it's okay for her to go & that I'll take care of everything so she doesn't have to worry.
But she's still waiting for something.
I wish I knew what it was.
& before she stopped talking.
She said she was really scared.
& I'm scared too.
A month or so ago I recorded us talking just for fun.
& I play it back to her while she's just sitting there, & I'm hoping she can remember.
Those were some fun times.
& I miss her voice.
& I miss her smile.
& I miss her feeling my face & looking at it like she won't ever forget me.
But now she can't do anything.
She can't even lift up her arm.
She can't even squeeze my hand unless she's having a seizure.
I miss her so much.
I had to go through some of her stuff last night.
& I just started crying my eyes out & screaming.
I didn't want it to be this way.
She used to leave me a lot when I was a kid.
& I'd cry & beg her not to go.
But she'd leave anyway.
& I've been crying & begging her not to go now.
But I don't think it'll be any different.
She's gonna leave anyway.
Maybe not by choice this time, but it still hurts.
Save me from the wreck I'm about to drown in.
I still have so much to say.
So so so so much.
I'm just not ready for this.
|
|
| my mom |
[29 Jan 2006|09:13pm] |
can never
come home
again
& i am so devastated
& depressed
right now.
|
|
| did you know i missed you? |
[25 Jan 2006|11:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hurt. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
soco- konstantine. |
] |
i've severed all my ties.
with pretty much everyone in the world.
everyone i love.
everyone i hate.
i don't know what's so wrong with me.
why no one wants to talk to me anymore.
why i just can't be constant to anyone.
i don't understand how things can only be good for so long
i don't know why no one can stand me for longer than 2 weeks
i don't understand why i can't stand myself.
|
|
| failure's always sounded better |
[18 Jan 2006|10:29pm] |
& i've decided
we need a feel good revolution
i know the only time i say anything really
is to complain
& i'm tired of my complaining
& boys are still confusing
but i've realized we all are.
especially this one right here.
i don't know how to get a feel good revolution started, but it needs to happen.
i met this really really awesome boy.
i mean.
absolutely amazing.
but he lives for god.
no go.
anyway.
i've been back on my bright eyes kick.
i really need to get off of it.
if i was extremely depressed, i'd probably kill myself to his music.
it's so amazing though.
i started taking a mood stabilizer.
pretty much prozac, without all the side effects.
man it's working.
really.
i feel so much better now.
& i'd like to say
all you jerks out there who made me feel like crap
i don't care
you're dumb.
& you may have already realized it,
but i'm telling you anyway.
you're dumb.
dumb.
dumb.
|
|
| i wish i could have been warned. |
[08 Jan 2006|11:35pm] |
so i just got the cops called on me.
i slapped my brother.
big whoop.
i probably shouldn't have smacked him, but i still think he deserved it.
he got in trouble with the cops twice in 3 days, so i grounded him.
he broke the grounding 3 times already, and he's only been grounded for a week.
he's only 12.
but anyway.
the cops were obviously on my side.
he told the cops that i left bruises from hitting him the other night, and that i had a knife and i tried to kill him.
i only slapped him.
and he has been gone for 2 days, and he's still grounded.
i did not leave bruises on him.
i'm not strong.
at all.
i can barely bench press the bar.
and i'm not really violent.
there's no way i'd have a knife and try to kill him.
my mom is obviously really sick.
and my brother is really good at making her feel guilty about everything, so she lets him get away with anything.
and here i am trying to raise him decent because i don't want my name to go to shame.
and i'm trying to do the right thing too because, well.
he's my brother.
unfortunately.
and i just turned 18 in november.
my mom told me i don't know how to raise kids, but neither does she.
and i'm not supposed to know how to raise kids.
i don't have any kids.
i don't plan on having any soon.
and i'm way too young to have any responsibilities over someone else's life.
i'm barely responsible enough to run mine.
my dad's obviously not here.
and i'm supposed to be doing everything, but no one understands that it's way too hard for me too.
i'm at an age where i just want to be free of responsibility and just be freeeee all together.
i want to do stuff for me.
i want to be selfish.
i want to not care about anything or anyone but myself.
i want to go hang out with my friends at any time of the day and have no commitment to anything.
i want to be able to go to school and not have to worry about my mom.
i want to be able to go to work and not have to worry about what my brother's doing.
i want to be able to go out and just have a clear mind.
my god.
i know life is not fair and everyone has it hard, but i'm not prepared for this.
my whole life i've always been the one that's had to grow up fast because i never had parents.
i never had anyone take care of me.
i've always just been a huge burden to everyone.
so by the time i was 5 i figured out things that normal people don't figure out their whole lives.
i figured out that disappointments were just a normal part of life.
and that even though you love someone so much, that don't always love you back.
and i learned that there is no such thing as unconditional love.
and i learned not to annoy anyone or get in anyone's way because they don't owe you anything and can just leave or do whatever they want.
and i learned that you have to learn to do everything for yourself because that's the only person you can really depend on.
and i learned that you can't always do what you want and you have to do things that will be good for whatever situation you're in.
and i learned that i'm replacable.
maybe it took me 6 years to figure this all out.
but i did.
and i've been living my life with that knowledge since.
everyone left me.
i never thought it could happen, but one day it did.
i came home, my dad was gone.
my mom was gone.
my brother was gone.
and all that was left was me.
i called all of my other family members trying to find out where they were.
none of them knew.
i was 7.
none of them wanted to take me in.
and like i said, i've just always been a big burden to everyone.
and they did a good job of letting me know that.
every fucking day.
i mean what did they want me to do?
what could i do?
i was 7.
like it wasn't hard enough for me to be without my parents.
like it wasn't hard enough for me to try and readjust my whole life.
if i could've lived on my own then, i would've.
the thing i hate most is feeling like i'm a burden, or that i'm annoying.
what it boils down to is just feeling unwanted.
no one wanted me.
and i never wanted this.
and i want to be a prick and just leave.
but unlike them, i care.
i care about my mom.
i care about my dad.
i care about my family.
i care about my friends.
i don't see them as a burden.
i just wish i could treat them the same way they've treated me.
but that wouldn't be right.
but all those years i felt unwanted, i was.
now i can't have a decent friendship, and i definitely can't have a decent relationship.
everyone expects so much of me.
i can't do that.
i'm sorry.
i was a strong 7 year old.
but only because i didn't have a choice.
now i just want to be a coward, and i'll be okay with that.
i can't deal with taking care of my mom, feeding her, buying her everything she wants, and trying to fulfill all of her wants before she dies.
i can't take care of my brother, go to school, go to work, and still have a social life.
i'm tired of growing up.
i wanted these years to be the years that i could take back and just do what i want, but it's apparent that i can't.
even though i don't have kids, i have the responsibilites of having them.
because my mom is pretty much my baby, and so is my brother.
when did i ever get to be the baby?
when did anyone ever take care of me?
please someone tell me.
what did i do to deserve this.
i'm feeling way too sorry for myself right now.
but i can't help but not want this life.
i need a big break.
just for me.
to figure out my whole life.
where i'm at, and where i want to go.
because right now everything's just a mess.
i'm a mess.
|
|
| what a girl. |
[07 Jan 2006|03:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 delighted:) |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
honorary title |
] |
i had the worst day today.
but i got 2 hugs that made it so much better.
and i normally don't get hugged.
so it was weird, but nice.
one from jason.
and and and.
the best one ever from spencer.
i was so surprised and happy.
it was amazing.
seriously.
the highlight of my night/week/forever.
spencer's sooooooooooooooo gorgeous.
i could not believe my eyes.
why am i such a girl?
alas.
maybe it's because...
i am one?
k.
|
|
| there's a hole in the trust that we mapped out |
[06 Jan 2006|01:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
i just got off the phone
with this boy that i really like
but i asked him a question that i didn't really want to know
and i definitely didn't like the answer to
so why did i ask it?
i have no idea.
anyway.
we started talking about the postsecret book that i'm totally infatuated with and then it led to something else
that was really weird
and i somehow ended up asking him
how many times he's had sex in a day
and he told me
7
i don't know if that's normal or not
but i don't care
that just blew me away
i was silent for at least 2 minutes
i didn't really mean to be
just shocked.
i was thinking that's a little monstrous
but i dunno
he thinks i hate him now
and i don't
i just feel indifferent about that
i shouldn't feel anything about it, but i do.
it's just weird.
i care about him a ton
and i just can't picture that.
but i shouldn't ask what i don't really want to know.
my fault!
|
|
|
[02 Jan 2006|01:12am] |
|
i've been thinking
maybe it's not so bad just to settle
you can't always get what you want
sometimes you can't get anything you want
and settling for second or third best is not always that bad.
it's better than wanting something you can never have.
|
|
| Stop being so emo. |
[31 Dec 2005|12:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
good |
] |
Let me up
Let me out
I am suffocating
I can't live without this all behind me
Is this almost over now?
The longest night,
My darkest hour.
Where you will find me
Pale
Lost and
Dying
From the truth
You left me at the alter.
My heart in my hand.
I am tired and broken.
Haunted by memories of
The life you've stolen
I am tired and broken
You left me at the alter.
My heart in my hand.
In my hand.
Let me up
Let me out
My lips are trembling
And I cannot make a sound
My love betrays me.
Is this almost over now?
The walls caved in
The roof fell down
And I am finally
Tired of the lying
And the cloud that follows you
You left me at the alter.
My heart in my hands.
I am tired and broken.
Haunted by memories of
The life you've stolen
I am tired and broken.
You left me at the alter.
My heart in my hand.
In my hand.
You left me breathless
You left me scared
But you're all that ever kept me goin' on
And now my only hope is to take back what you've stolen
My heart will go on without you.
And now my only hope is to take back what you've stolen
My heart will go on without you.
You left me at the alter
My heart in my hand
I am tired and broken
Haunted by memories of
The life you've stolen
You left me in the end.
You've stolen
You left me in the end.
You've stolen
You left me in the end.
You've stolen
You left me in the end.
I will not forget.
So this is currently my favorite song.
No idea why.
But it's fun and dance like.
|
|
| This Is Morning |
[25 Dec 2005|11:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jacks Mannequin |
] |
Christmas so far has been kind of eh.
I opened my present from Andrew last night, and I loved it by the way.
Vi and I exchanged presents like 10 minutes ago.
Good times.
The card is soooooo cute.
But.
The first thing I saw this morning was the worst thing I could ever read in my life.
So it made me kind of sad, and set the mood for the whole day.
I kind of a little bit liked this boy.
And he was being a jerk the past couple of days, and I've been trying my hardest very very hardest to be nice to him still.
And this morning he texted me saying sorry and stuff.
And I said sorry for what?
And he said he was sorry for making me mad and asked me to just forgive him.
And I said that it was okay, and I could take a hint.
AND THEN he texted me saying this. Exactly.
"Michelle...whatever. I'm tired of this. This is why I don't like girls anymore."
That made no sense to me at all.
What-so-ever.
I've been on my period the past few days, and I haven't even been that hard to handle.
And he pulls that one on me...
ON CHRISTMAS.
ugggggggggggggggggggggggh.
Boys are retarded.
Seriously.
I will be alone for the rest of my life.
anyway.
christmas cheer or some shit.
|
|
| coke coke coke |
[23 Dec 2005|06:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Spill Canvas |
] |
So I had my radio shift today, it was way fun.
Sort of.
I actually talked this time.
Like 2 1/3 times.
hahaha.
It was insane!
I was getting phone calls and instant messages up the wazoo.
It was what I wanted, but still.
Wow.
I had 2 calls every single time for like 2 hours!
And we only have 2 phone lines!
From 12-1 no one was calling me, which I thought was really weird, but I heard phones ringing in other rooms, but not in the control room.
I was like, what the heck.
And then I saw the red and green lights flashing non stop.
And that's usually what happens when you get a phone call.
So I took a risk and answered the phone, and
BAM!
I realized that the ringer was turned off.
And I made an on-air apology.
I guess I sounded really gay though because I got a couple of phone calls telling me I did.
hahaha.
It was tons of fun though.
Except like I've said before, I'm akward when I talk to people.
So I kept trying to get off the phone as soon as I could, and those weirdos just wanted to keep talking to me.
It was all good though.
Christmas Eve tomorrow!
I'm so so excited.
I still have a couple of presents left to get though.
But I only have 3 bucks.
And the banks are closed now.
Lucky lucky me!
Oh.
My brother got arrested for shop lifting.
hahaha.
IDIOT!
almost christmas almost christmas.
I got my sister a purple vibrator for Christmas.
And I said to her earlier, "I got you 2 presents."
One of them was a 30 dollar gift certificate to Nordstroms, and the other was.
Well.
You know.
And she said "Oh yay!!! What's my other present? A boy???"
And I said "Almost"
haha.
I thought it was funny and clever.
But I'm also my number one fan.<3
|
|
| It's Friday, I'm In Love. |
[23 Dec 2005|12:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
THE CURE. |
] |
Tonight was amazing.
I haven't felt this good in a really long time.
It was the best line up, reminded me of old school shows.
The best shows.
EVER.
Seriously.
It was love.
Except it reminded me of how much I've gotten older.
And even though it was fun, I know it would've been much more amazing if I could share the experience with all of my old friends that used to go to shows.
But alas, we all grow apart.
We all go away.
But that's besides the point.
2 years ago.
Those were the good old days.
Everything was fun, and if it wasn't, we made it fun.
We had an excuse to be stupid and obnoxious, we were 16.
There weren't any demands for us to be so much more mature, we could just be who we were and act our age.
Those were really the good times.
I was right up front with the crowd that actually wanted to be at the show, no one was even in the cafe.
They were all just enjoying every band and every thing, which was like how it used to be.
And there was talking going on outside of the club amongst the fans and the bands.
Club Impact used to be really fun, and I think it's going in the right direction now.
Ahhhh.
I'm so happy.
Tonight was seriously just amazing.
I saw Tyler for the first time in a really long time.
Seeing all these people from the past was weird at first, but it was so awesome.
I was walking back to talk to some friends, and Tyler stopped me and gave me a high five started talking and stuff.
Made me giggly because like I said, just like the past.
He gave me a free cd.
Then I felt akward and left.
And the guys from Dating Delilah all knew who I was.
I went to their booth.
And they're like "Hey, are you the one who messaged us on myspace and asked us to come play at club impact? Your name's Michelle right??"
I was standing there like a loser.
Like umm.......
Hi can I just buy a cd?
Bye.
I'm really akward now, and I don't know how to talk to people.
But it was nice knowing more than 20 people that came to the club.
Really.
Good times.
I got tons of presents tonight too.
And tomorrow I'll be on KGRG from 12-3.
I hope I get lots of requests and instant messages.
Because it's really boring up there.
Also also.
I love everyone.
Also also also.
I'm passing out everyones cards and stuff tomorrow.
And presents.
But to only to those deserving.
OH MY GOD SEX.
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